The NES Assassins
...swoosh...
...swoosh...
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Surrounded by my million dollar office as well as Playboy bunnies (women find Wiikly writers extremely attractive), I furiously tapped the keyboard for the next article for the Wiikly. As I worked (with extreme genius I must add), I noticed there was something wrong… as if the air itself was thinning. Apparently, all the game journalists from around the world, in anticipation for the console launches, created so much hype that it overloaded the space-time continuum. And no, I do not know how they did it, but apparently there was just too much hype for our dimension to contain. Nature abhors a vacuum, and she, without discrimination, vaunted her revenge against all game journalists… even the unofficial ones! So into the vortex I tumbled. In vengeance for game journalists creating so much hype, Nature decided to rip out our souls and tossed them into the abyss. Outside of time, our souls floated airlessly until we landed with a heavy, stinky, thud.
Just as I was getting my bearings, some hideously dressed man, seven meters tall (!) hopped out of a door of light… which just floated in the air. Do not be offended reader, this traveler gave ample salutations. I did not despair for I read my time travel storybooks! I knew who this figure was. He was from the far future that came back, in that instant, to tell me in heroic fashion to fix the space-time continuum. He said,
“From your time, the overabundance of hype shattered our dimension. As a consequence, the souls of game journalists then were switched with those in the past.”
“Oh snap!”
“Indeed. All of the universe shall crumble unless you restore the delicate balance of the Space Time Continuum.”
When you talk to a man from the future, you decide to ignore what he’s babbling about and ask your own questions. “Oh tell me, what will the fourteenth generation of consoles be? Will there be a Playstation 10? What is Nintendo up to then? Does Sega come back to consoles?”
He slapped me. “Hush, Malstrom, and listen to what I have to say. The Console Timeline must be repaired! The souls of game journalists of 2006 somehow floated backwards in time.”
“When!?”
“1986. In this time period, there is no console industry. The wackiness, prejudices, and egos infested in the game journalists of your time period have now entered the bodies of game journalists of 1986. You must stop them!”
“Alas, Time Lord. I do not understand the problem.”
“Meet with them and you will see how they altered the Console Timeline. Through their own blunders, they destroyed the NES, and we are stuck with successors of the Commodore 64.”
“Noooo!!”
“Yes. You must save the Console-Time-Happiness Continuum!”
And with that, our friend jumped back into the door of light that floats in the air. As he vanished (apparently to his own time), I found out that all the game journalists (infested with the souls of 2006) were meeting before they launch their ‘brilliant’ op-ed pieces.
As I entered the room, I found the game journalists (a shaggy haired journalist, a fat journalist, a four eyes journalist, and a metrosexual journalist) gathered around a table discussing how they would write about the NES.
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